So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
