from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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