Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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