Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i permit you to call me
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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