Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
