It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
