i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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