I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
