FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
