I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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