bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
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