Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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