am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize