how can u be prego again
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
