the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
