There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
