May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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