I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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