i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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