Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
