I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
