saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
