There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
