I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
She announced her abortion via fbk
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
