Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you traded sex for a burrito?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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