If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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