Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
