okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
