he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Randomize
