Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
