And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
