YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
