just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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