he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I need a burrito and a hug.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
