mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
