Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
You made out with two different species that night
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
