Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
