We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
