sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
