Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Randomize
