He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize