how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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