His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
We left an ass print on the piano.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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