I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
