you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
