My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
