Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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