The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
