flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
