good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i was born a porn star she said
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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