What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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