Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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