hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
