I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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