Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
