I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
