Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Randomize
