I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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