My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
