did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I can't put those talents on a resume
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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