last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
