now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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