omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize