yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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